The Fear of Success

     "Holy crap, I am starting to earn some credits with intergalactic posts, blogs, and videos.  This is amazing.  I still have some details to work out in order to get paid, though.  This will take a while, but I got time.  I have to earn 100 credits before they pay me.  That will be awesome when they do.  I feel completely encouraged at this point."
     Daiv was pretty happy with how things were going.  He had worked his @ss off, and it was starting to pay off.  Sure, it wasn't much.  In fact, it was so minimal as to be barely detectable.  He knew however, that the more he would do, the better chances he had of making something happen.
     The pennies were starting to register into his account little by little.  He was very pleased by this.  It was only a matter of time, with persistence, that nickles would start popping in, too.
     For now, he just had to start plugging away.

     He just stepped outside and had a cigarette with his friend.  They talked about 'Interview with Non-Celebrities' and how that would work in a comedy sketch kind of situation.  An example question is, "So, what was it like to take 4th place in the regional poetry contest in 1992?"
     It would be funny just to interview people about how much of a loser they were.
     Basically, the idea is to do the opposite of all the crap in celebrity interviews, about how great everything is.

* * *

     Hi.  I'm just at the cafe, thinking about stuff.  My thoughts are centered around Babylon 5.  I've been amusing myself with thoughts of watching the show as much as possible just to start talking like that in real life.  I think that would be pretty funny, to have conversations with people, and then go into these long diatribes and expository explanations about everything.  Most people interpret that as being an @sshole, but if I do it in a good way, it might work.
     Let's see, what else is there?
     It's my job to become popular on the web, and do as good as I can.  That is all anybody expects of me.  If I succeed, there will be money at the end of the rainbow waiting for me.   It will be quite a journey, but what is great about it is it will all be because of my own work and labor.  I'll be working for myself at that point, and that is all I have ever wanted.
     There are stories of artists starting to do well on the web.  I want to be one of those people.  I want to make and sell art and go to town with it all.  I've got nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
     I can't wait to get started with my new body of work.  I've been prepping for it in my mind.  I will do it all on the web.  It will take a while before anything comes of it, but who cares?  As long as I have a good time is all that matters.

     Anyhow, I am deciding on whether or not to have another cup of coffee.
     "What the hell, why not?" is usually my answer.

* * *
     The Fear of Success is a real thing.  I suffer from it a little.  I have tasted success many times, only to withdrawal when I get close to it.  I can never just go all the way and push through, and keep pushing.  That is what I have to do.  Just be a dick about it.  I hate doing that.  Also, I feel guilt and shame about money.  I have to get over it.  My life depends on money coming in, so I don't know what my problem is.  My mother was never into making too much money.  She just wanted enough to get by, and that wasn't good enough.  Deep down inside, I know she wanted more money to be able to do things and buy things.  I don't want to end up like her or my dad, dead and broke.  I want to get something going, and make it last.

     I will have to do more research on 'The Fear of Success' and 'The Fear of Failure'.  I don't know what I am afraid of to be honest.  I know that I have to have a lot of confidence in order to push forward and to make something happen.

     I've also been thinking about what it will take to be a pro blogger.  Maybe I ought to start making blogger friends like I did on youtube.  It takes time.  I still haven't found too many blogs that I really like.  It is hard to comment on people's blogs where I don't know them.  Maybe I should try.  I know I would like some random stranger to comment on my blog, so maybe I should take the initiative.  That would be new for me.

     You have to have gusto to live.  A pure driving passion.  Plus, making money is sexy.  Women find that attractive when a man uses his talents to make cash. 
     Money and sex always goes together.